Unconditional Love or Control?

“Love with conditions is not love–it’s control. True love never demands a condition or behavioral change.” ~Mary Ann Pack

The term, unconditional love, is thrown around a lot, but do we really know what it means?

We hear it between lovers, we hear it in the church pew from the pulpit, we hear it between family and friends, but how often do we really give unconditional love.

How often do we receive unconditional love, for that matter?

Isn’t it more often that we withhold our love unless someone changes their behavior? Let’s be real here. Of course, we love our family members, but don’t we, just a bit, want them to change their behavior so we feel better? Can we whole-heartedly adore and appreciate someone when they are doing something that doesn’t please us? They may even be doing something we deplore.

There seems to be some resistance when we observe someone’s behavior that we disagree with. We don’t like what they are doing or how they are behaving and we still love them, but…. We could love them even more if they would just freakin’ change!

Why do we want them to change? Why do we want conditions to change?

The only reason we want anything is because we think we will feel better by the having of it. Which is great, but why can’t we feel better now, in spite of their behavior or in spite of a conditional change?

When we require someone to change or a condition to improve before we truly love, that is not love, but control. We want to control the conditions, the behavior, the situation and force it into something we want, so we will feel better.

Let’s break it down….

Love could mean a plethora of feelings. Our English language doesn’t distinguish the dimensions of love. We could love a hotdog, love a scenic mountain view, love another person as a friend, or love our lover. These are all at different levels of loving. They encompass different levels of love, but we still have only one word, love. Even so, do we still have desires for any of them to be a little different, so we could enjoy them even more and feel even better?

I sure wish the hotdog was a bit more tender. The scenic mountain view was great, I just wish it could have been a bit more sunny. Friends are great, but that just drives me crazy the way they do that thing they do? And, don’t even get me started on my lover!

Those desires are for improvement from your perspective. They may even be valid improvements, indeed. We may even be able to justify why the improvement is needed. If we talk to someone else about it, they may even readily agree with us. That does need to change! That is seeing through the eyes of control.

Now, let’s take under consideration the word, unconditional. We can simply understand unconditional as limitless compassion, affections not bound by condition, it’s unchanging, complete compassion. No condition matters.

If we must have someone change or a condition to improve before we can wholly love, we are in control, not love. You do this differently and behave this way, then it will make me feel better and I will love you–unconditionally. I must control your behavior to feel lovingly toward you.

I love the idea that unconditional love is complete compassion. Some have the wrong ideas of compassion. Some believe compassion to be feeling the same feelings as another and wanting to help them. Compassion is not feeling the same way as someone else while they’re groveling in complaints. No! Compassion is seeing them lovingly through the eyes of Source with all the unconditional love there is, and not requiring them to change. Compassion is not coming down to their level of pain, it’s staying up on the level of Source and lifting them up higher. Complete compassion is refusing to grovel along side them, and instead, seeing all their potential, perfection and love inside them. They’re simply looking in the wrong place.

When we look at others through the eyes of Source, we are giving unconditional love, we are giving complete compassion. Source never asks us to change to make us worthy of love. We are simply loveable because of who we are. Period.

As extensions of Source Energy, we are worthy of all love. We are One with Source. Source would never look at Itself and demand It changes before love is given! So, we are One with everyone else by extension–why would we ask ourselves to change before we receive love?

Unconditional love and complete compassion are the same thing, just different words.

Maybe it’s time for you to give yourself unconditional love and complete compassion. You may love yourself to a certain degree, but you’re always criticizing yourself. OMG! Why did you do that?! What is wrong with you?! You are so stupid sometimes, I don’t even recognize you! Self-talk like that is demanding yourself to change before you allow yourself  to receive love.

When you notice you are being conditional with your love, stop a moment and ask your Inner Being, What do you think about this person or condition? What do you know about this person or condition? What do you feel about this person or condition? And, then listen!

You already know you feel like crap when you think about what’s bothering you in that other person or condition. That negative feeling is a sure fire way of knowing you are absolutely not thinking, knowing or feeling like your Inner Being–your Source Energy within.

So, look for better-feeling thoughts. Focus your attention on some positive aspects of that person or condition. Go general in your thoughts. Stop being so specific. There’s always a silver-lining. Sometimes, it’s just hidden a bit by the storm clouds of complaining.

We must feel better anyway. We must find a way to think more good-feeling thoughts about the subject–or simply get off the subject entirely! You may have too much momentum going in the wrong direction on that subject to see positive aspects right now. So, turn your attention to something softer and something that does feel good when you think about it.

When you can feel your emotions rising, again, and you are feeling better, this is your indication you are in alignment with Source. When you can hold that better feeling more steadily, now you have the capacity to love without demanding conditions to change. Now, you are giving–and receiving–unconditional love!

If you enjoyed this post, please like, comment and share with your friends and family. Many thanks, in advance!

All is Well!


Mary Ann Pack

YOUR Life & Wellness Coach





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