When you hear some folks touting that they are just being authentic, some are using authenticity to justify being mean.
You know those who claim they are just being authentically themselves but the vibe of the conversation just feels more mean-spirited than authentic. You can feel the difference when someone is being authentically who they are or not by the vibrations they give off.
Someone being truly authentic still has a sweet spirit about them. They are kind and loving. They are generally caring and not pushy. You tend to like being around them because of their sweet, calm, uplifting attitude.
Those who claim to be authentic but are using it for an excuse to be mean are not happy, appreciative people. They don’t care how they express themselves or how it could affect another person who is listening. They just want to get their point across–do or die! Usually, it is accompanied by an increasing volume.
They are truly not aligned with their Inner Being–who they really are as pure, positive love-extensions of Source Energy. They are dwelling too long on what they don’t want in another’s behavior instead of finding positive aspects about them and the situation. They are more influenced by conditions they see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. Rather, they should be more influenced by their Inner Being who loves without demanding a condition to change.
It’s one thing to be authentic and set boundaries and make feeling good your number one priority with a gracefully sweet spirit–but it’s something quite different to blast away at another person when they cross your invisible chip on your shoulder. When you claim to be authentic–it doesn’t give you license to be a bitch. Being mean is as inauthentic as it gets! It’s not who you really are.
What does it mean to be truly authentic in a loving way?
Being authentic is aligning with who you really are which is loving and kind. You can have boundaries and still be sweet. You can truly be authentic and let people know where you stand on any subject in a way that is beneficial to everyone. You can set your boundaries and not shut others off. Yes, we must make feeling good our number one priority but being mean and intentionally cutting someone down in the process is not being authentic. It’s simply being rude.
Of course, some folks will always misunderstand your authenticity. You can express your boundaries in the kindest of ways and others will still get their feelings hurt. We all express the behavior we want from others from our selfish perspective. Our self-centered perspective is all we have. We cannot live from another’s perspective, nor can someone else live from our perspective. That’s why we are individuals. We have our own thoughts, desires, and preferences.
When we blame others for how we feel because we’ve looked to them to make us feel better, we are looking for love in all the wrong places. We are not taking our responsibility to create our own happiness.
Feeling good is always and, only, an inside job. We must let everyone else off the hook.
How do I find my true authentic self and express it with kindness?
If you really want to be authentic, align first with your Inner Being. Ask: What does my Inner Being know, think, and feel about me and this situation? If you’ve spent time building a relationship with your Inner Being, you will receive a truly loving, uplifting answer. You will feel good. You will notice that you feel more loving toward others you have been observing. It could even be possible that there is no need to express your boundaries at that moment. You simply have moved your attention to what feels good about another person or the solution to the situation.
Remember, it’s all about self-perspective. Where are you focusing your attention? What is influencing your perspective? Are you being influenced by your Inner Being or the bad behavior you are observing that you are allowing to make you feel bad?
I’m not saying we don’t need boundaries or let others know where we stand! We don’t need to be doormats. Been there, got the T-shirt!
What I’m saying is that we know what we do want and what we don’t want. We can, also, express what we do want, over expressing what we don’t want. If we focus more on what we don’t want (the behaviors/situations that we perceived as needing boundaries for), anything we say will be filled with utter resistance and received in a hurtful way. It can–or will–blow up in your face! Let the screaming match commence!
There is alway resistance in what we don’t want. We feel we need to set boundaries to protect ourselves. When we look for areas that we feel we need protection in, we are living a life focused with resistance, fear, worry, disempowerment, and vulnerability. When we are in alignment with our Inner Being we are virtually invincible! We are receiving guidance from Within, rather than what’s happening all around us.
When we express more of what we do want, it is from a good-feeling place of authenticity because it matches the vibrational quality of our Inner Being. When we express more of what we don’t want, it is from a bad-feeling place of inauthenticity.
When you can find good-feeling thoughts about it, you know you’re aligned and feeling your authentic self. As you express your boundaries from this aligned state of being, you can cause no real harm to another. Again, you can’t control how they receive it but that’s really none of your business, anyway. Their response is between them and their Inner Being. You simply need to keep your side of the street clean.
Being authentic is expressing boundaries from the standpoint of knowing what you do want. You’re not telling someone what they can’t do anymore because it makes you feel bad. You’re telling someone what you would like, better. You’re expressing your desire for improvement that feels way better.
Here’s examples of inauthentic and mean vs. authentic and loving:
Let’s say you think your partner is being an ass to you. He/she is on your ever-lovin’ last nerve. You feel that you’ll explode if you don’t say something to get him/her to stop what they are doing. Everytime you think about them doing this irritating thing, your emotions go wild! You have to tell them to stop it, right this minute!
Inauthentic and Mean: Because you’re acting like an ass, you’re making me feel bad! I hate what you’re doing to me. When I observe your behavior, I don’t like it one bit! You’re going to have to stop doing what you’re doing, right now, or I won’t let you anywhere near me! (This is usually when the screaming begins and one or the other storms off with feelings hurt or in a rage.)
In the inauthentic example, you’ve said what you came to say. It is truly how you feel in the moment, but what did it accomplish? Anger, mean words, blame, guilt, shaming? A widening gap between partners? Many times, this approach drives such a wedge between people there can be no reconciliation–especially if this is the go-to approach to confrontations. The momentum is too great and the Universe can only obey its own laws to feel the vibration of the moment and match it with more! There is no regard to timing, probably no calm preparation. Just the blast of high emotions. You can never achieve the benefit of improvement when you are in a state of feeling bad. That is a state of resistance and nothing beneficial comes from there. Ever!
Authentic and Loving: I enjoy our time together. There are things about what you do that just pleases me so much. I really want to feel good most of the time and it would really help me feel awesome if you could not do that in my presence. Sometimes, I allow what you’re doing to make me feel bad and I know you’re not the cause of my feeling bad. It’s my perception, it’s what I think about while I observe you doing this thing. I know you love me and want what’s best for me, too. So, I would greatly appreciate it if you would do this instead, as a favor for me. I understand if you don’t want to stop doing this thing that irritates me, but please don’t take offense if I just get up and quietly walk away for a while. I’m just wanting to live a calm, happy, and peaceable life.
In the authentic example, you have already done the vibrational work of aligning with your Inner Being of love and that vibration will be dominant. Hold that good-feeling in a steady place long before you approach anyone about their behavior. When you are not in their company, make it a point to hold them as your object of attention and find all kinds of positive aspects about them that you do like–this is a very important key!
When you are aligned and feeling really good while creating your vibrational environment, you may get the impulse regarding the timing as when to speak to them–even the idea of the words to say. It will be at the right time and in the right way. That is the most effective and beneficial approach.
They may not even know it’s irritating you. From their perspective, they’re just being their authentic self! Oblivious to how it affects you. They may not be aligned with who they really are and have no recourse but to find relief in any way they can–even if it adversely affects someone they love.
Do you realize that Source loves them as much as Source loves you? Source never requires us to change to receive love. There are no favorites for right behavior. Be thankful for the opportunity to see some improvement you would prefer. Contrast caused you to accomplished a new desire of improvement that has never been before! Your Inner Being just became that improvement and you expanded the Universe!
You will only be a good influence when you are connected and aligned with your Inner Being. When you focus on what’s bothering you, you create and attract more of the same. If you really want to be a benefit to yourself and others, it’s time to do the vibrational work of aligning with who you really are. That is the only time you will truly experience the change you want to see. Get happy and stay happy!
What someone else is, or is not doing, is really none of your business. If you see someone behaving improperly, by your estimation, you know what you don’t like. At the same time, you know what improvement you’d prefer. Focus on the improved preference, the solution, the relief. When you can do that and allow the other person do whatever they want AND still be happy, you may become pleasantly surprised that the behavior curbs or diminishes altogether. Or, because you are mostly happy now and attracting mostly happy-feeling-experiences, the person may simply not show up in your space while they are doing the thing that displeases you.
Any way you approach authenticity has a lasting effect. Get to know who you really are and blossom into your authentic, loving, gracious, blessed self no matter what’s going on around you! Speak your truth in love.
We can only be authentically kind as we are tuned-in, tapped-in, and turned-on to who we really are as love-extensions of Source Energy. Then, and only then, can we live a truly authentic life!
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To your joy,
Mary Ann Pack
PS If you want to live from a more authentic place, please email me for your complimentary Joy Empowerment Call. Let’s find out if we would be a good match for working together in coaching! Email your request to email@example.com.